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Sliver

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I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for the compassion that you all have shown me over the past week and a half. Thank you for the encouragement and kind words regarding my recent pregnancy loss. I've gotta say, life has not been easy since that event took place. Jobs have fallen through. Rejections from shows. Bronchitis on top of the recovery from the ectopic pregnancy. I haven't been sleeping at night very well. I've been tossing and turning. When I fall asleep, I dream that I am healthy and pregnant. That the job was still a go. That I was shopping for baby clothes and planning our family's future. Then I wake up. And remember that I am still waiting for the end of this pregnancy nightmare. I have to go in for weekly blood work until my hCG levels are back down to 0. Waking up to a nightmare. Not finding comfort in rest. Trying to move forward. I feel like a pit of sadness. I've turned to junk food and binge watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. Anything to forget. I started working again. And honestly when I was drawing I felt free. I felt like I was escaping. Tonight there was a double rainbow. Friends were posting photos of it all over Facebook. My friend Amber called it confetti in the sky. Ironically, from my house all I could see was a tiny sliver of color. It felt appropriate, because I am barely feel anything positive. Barely seeing the beauty in the clouds. My husband doesn't find anything meaningful in symbolism. It is the scientist in him. Sometimes that is incredibly discouraging, especially when I am grasping at something to hope for. A sign. But still I hope that the rainbow tonight was just for me. So that I could remember that this moment in time will soon will be a distant memory. Maybe someday I will be holding a new baby in my arms. Maybe someday Nathan will get the job. Maybe someday there will be beauty instead of pain.

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Comments

  • kelli on

    sending you lots of love. your blog and work is beautiful!

  • Doris Brown on

    Staci, I know this is a tough time for you, but I also know God is in control and that your full rainbow is out there for you, just in His timing.
    I think Amber told you I had an ectopic pregnancy after having her, my only thing was that I waited until it burst before going to Dr. so had a different outcome than you. You will be healthy again and have happiness instead of pain. Not sure where you stand on your faith but I believe, as the bible tells us, that we have to go through the hard times to remind us to lean on God instead of ourselves or others. We all have to be reminded of this occasionally. Although I do not know you personally I know through Amber that you are a wonderful person and a great friend to her and that makes you special in my eyes. I have been and will continue to pray for your health and for the right job to come for your husband.
    Now I’ll quit preaching and tell you that I dreamed last night that you posted the most beautiful drawings of several horses, it wa so real I grabbed the phone to see if it was really there! Ha! Can’t wait for your farm series to come out.
    Hang in there kiddo and keep positive thoughts.

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