June 17, 2013
I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for the compassion that you all have shown me over the past week and a half. Thank you for the encouragement and kind words regarding my recent pregnancy loss. I've gotta say, life has not been easy since that event took place. Jobs have fallen through. Rejections from shows. Bronchitis on top of the recovery from the ectopic pregnancy. I haven't been sleeping at night very well. I've been tossing and turning. When I fall asleep, I dream that I am healthy and pregnant. That the job was still a go. That I was shopping for baby clothes and planning our family's future. Then I wake up. And remember that I am still waiting for the end of this pregnancy nightmare. I have to go in for weekly blood work until my hCG levels are back down to 0. Waking up to a nightmare. Not finding comfort in rest. Trying to move forward. I feel like a pit of sadness. I've turned to junk food and binge watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. Anything to forget. I started working again. And honestly when I was drawing I felt free. I felt like I was escaping. Tonight there was a double rainbow. Friends were posting photos of it all over Facebook. My friend Amber called it confetti in the sky. Ironically, from my house all I could see was a tiny sliver of color. It felt appropriate, because I am barely feel anything positive. Barely seeing the beauty in the clouds. My husband doesn't find anything meaningful in symbolism. It is the scientist in him. Sometimes that is incredibly discouraging, especially when I am grasping at something to hope for. A sign. But still I hope that the rainbow tonight was just for me. So that I could remember that this moment in time will soon will be a distant memory. Maybe someday I will be holding a new baby in my arms. Maybe someday Nathan will get the job. Maybe someday there will be beauty instead of pain.