Real Life

Well, my azalea bushes died.

I have been watering these plans (almost) every other day since I had them planted in my front yard 2 months ago. But they couldn't stand this extreme Arkansas heat. Over a week of 100 degree weather and they succumb to the pressure. And they turned brown and brittle.

Somehow, looking at my attempt at having a green thumb, I just feel so defeated. Like they are a symbol of the pattern my summer has been following. I feel really brittle at the moment.

Since the end of May my family has been thrown one curve ball after another. My husband thought he would be graduating with is PhD this summer. Then suddenly he wasn't graduating. The job offer he had for the fall was gone.

And we spent 2 weeks kinda sulking around our house. Making financial arrangements for his next semester. And I worried. Was I going to have to find another job? Why was this happening right now? Why is it so hard to communicate with the university? Why can't I fix anything. I am just the wife watching my husband go through all of this uncertainty. And it really sucked.

The tide changed quickly again when we thought we were back on for graduating by the end of the summer! We celebrated. We ate out too many times. I bought a new dress. And I stopped worrying.

Then our house flooded. Not once, but twice in the course of a day! From 2 different sources.

But, I did not get too upset, because Nathan was going to graduate. And he had a job lined up for the Fall. Which meant my pathetically small income from Gingiber was not going to have to be our sole source of income. We cleaned up the water. Filed an insurance claim. And left town to go visit my mom.

By the time we returned home to Arkansas, our bubble burst again. Actually several bubbles. Long story short, we do not know at all what is happening next semester. We have no idea when Nathan will get his PhD. We don't know what our lives will look like financially. We need a new roof. There was more damage in the house than we realized with the flooding. All 4 of us have been sleeping in the same bedroom for 2 weeks now because of the flooding in the rest of the house.

And now my freaking azaleas are dead!

I feel dark and brittle. I am not angry. I guess it is just our turn for a whole lot of mess.

But I am tired. Tired of worrying. Tired of making plans that eventually fall through. Tired of getting hopeful only to have that hope squashed. I am tired of my 3 year old kicking me at night! Tired of my dogs pooping in the only part of the house that is not damaged by the water.

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